Black Sugar Daddy

“We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.”

-Madonna, 1984

Part I

Black Sugar Daddy

A question that has plagued older men for centuries is this: Can you be a Daddy without being a Sugar Daddy? The answer is yes, but that means that you're involved with dudes around your age, like a husband or long-term boyfriend. This is a good thing, and I fully endorse those old-on-old interactions. But I also know that very few men can go into the Boy Store (a.k.a., the world) without being tempted by the plump and juicy merchandise. At some point, we succumb to our temptation to engage with someone who’s a quarter of our age, and this almost invariably leads to Sugar Daddyism.

ASB: Asian Sugar Boy

The truth is that all men who are justified and ancient who have the means to do it become Sugar Daddies.  Just look at folks like Al Pacino and Robert De Niro.  Instead of lying down and dying like people their age are supposed to do, they are all up in their 80s bussin’ mad nuts and putting babies in women several decades their junior, giving their young girlfriends double duty on the diaper changing.  But this isn’t just an old white man thing.  The mainstream gay press has slept on the Gay Black Sugar Daddy (or Black Sugar Gaddy), depicting us as a purely sexual alternative for those young guys who prefer to use dark chocolate to deal with their daddy issues. But we Black Sugar Daddies are the real deal.  We can hold our own against the traditional white Sugar Daddy.  Look a-here:

Black Sugar Daddies got them 401Ks.  We may not have 401k dollars set aside in them, but many of us have worked hard for decades and now have enough stashed away to retire quite comfortably, thank you.  A Sugar Boy may need to show us how to calibrate our laptop and printer and explain what the fuck an NFT is, but he will not need to use any of his OnlyFans earnings to support his Gay Black Sugar Daddy.

Black Sugar Daddies are a robust lot financially, so we be double dipping: drawing on social security and still working as the dean at an elementary school.  That mean old Black man who’s in charge of discipline at the local grammar school is only there for the money and is not concerned about the welfare of your rotten-ass kids.  He got his own boy at home to take care of.  We also own property.  A real Black Sugar Daddy got a mortgage and does not pay rent.  So, we got capital and are ready to co-sign on a title loan when that jalopy our boy is riding around in finally breaks the fuck down.  

Most of us Black Sugar Daddies ain’t never been cursed with no income-demolishing kids so we can spend freely on our sugar boys, just like the white daddies do.  Even for the ones of us who held our noses and penetrated vaginas back in the day, them kids are way over 18 now, so the financial burden they brought with them into this world is thankfully over.  We can now turn our financial attention away from our bloodsucking biologicals and on to the 20-year-olds in our life that really mean something special to us.

And best of all, we Black Sugar Daddies still look damned good for our age, not like our crusty white counterparts.  You don’t have to watch porn over our shoulders or fantasize about Michael B. Jordan to get horny because many of us still got the goods upstairs and down. 

BSB: Black Sugar Boy

Part II 

Ready for that Jelly?

Are you ready to be a Black Sugar Daddy, I mean a real one?  Here are some tips to keep in mind before taking on a Sugar Boy.

Getting a Sugar Boy is like an investment in the future because if you take care of them, they’ll take care of you.  The more you put in, the more you should get out.  And I’m not talking about semen.  But you need to also do your homework and make sure your boy is a bona fide Sugar Boy and not a hustler because messing with a hustler is as good an investment as going down to the Indian Reservation and putting your life’s savings down at the Navajo Casino.  If that boy is a hustler, then you need to be prepared to throw copious sums of money that you plan to never ever see again down the drain.  The problem is that at our advanced age, the inner workings of our brains get a little murky, so we have a lot of trouble distinguishing a Sugar from a hooker.  But at any rate, if you’re not ready to roll the dice and potentially spend mounds of dough you will never get any return on, you may not be ready to be a Black Sugar Daddy.

Can you keep up, baby boy?  A Sugar Boy can walk into a room filled with old farts like you, pull out his dick and leave everyone in the room writhing on the floor like Ahhnold at a police station in the “Terminator” movies.   A Sugar Boy is a Sugar Boy because he understands the sexual power he harnesses and is willing and ready to use it.  He knows that that Nintendo Switch is not going to pay for itself.   This means that you need to be ready to either give or take dick at what may seem a torrid pace because in a Sugar Boy’s mind, the more boots he knocks, the more you’ll be at the drive-up ready teller making cash withdrawals. 

WSB: White Sugar Boy

Part III

How do I choose the right Sugar Boy for me?

This is the United States of America so, naturally, we need to analyze things on racial/ethnic terms.

The Latino Sugar Boy (LSB):  I can talk at length about the LSB because, like the relationship between Whitney Houston and Jesus, I know him so well.  (Praise God!) The LSB is loyal, loving and dramatic.  But the more dramatic the boy, the bigger the stimulus package he’s going to request.  When it comes to Latinos, be prepared to spend thousands on the “medical care” for several “grandmothers” and “aunts” who will be at death’s front door in the hospital for the duration of your time together.  LSBs use their tenacious and resistant asses to prove how much they care about you, so if you’re a Black Gaddy with erection issues, you might want to keep it moving.  If you do opt for an LSB, be prepared to have your balls and wallet drained on the regular.  Just be aware that they can sometimes get a tad bit possessive and jealous.   If they think that you are paying too much attention to another boy or suspect that you have a sweetie on the side, you might get stabbed.  (This, of course, is independent of the several other lovers he might be fucking, but hey, no situation is perfect.) 

The Black Sugar Boy (BSB): The BSB is probably the most elusive, sought after and demanding of the Sugar Boy Consortium, mostly because he think he as cute as you think he is.  The BSBs hit the scene with low-swanging dick like pow!, rock hard ass like dayum!, and chiseled body like wha!, and they will expect you to pay top dollar for these top-notch commodities.  Unlike Latinos and Asians, the BSB may not be ideal to put on a rent-to-own plan because he will always be looking over your shoulder for a better situation.  Before you know it, he will have hitched his wagon to a more affluent star because a rolling stone as fine as a BSB grows no moss.  (If you’re looking to lease-to-own a BSB, I suggest a Black cutie who just stepped off a boat from Djibouti or Port au Prince.  Being Black in and of itself is not what makes the Black Sugar Boy such a challenge, but rather that he is from the United States. U.S. niggaz complicated, G.). Oh, and since they are in such high demand and supplies are limited, expect longer delivery times for light skin-did BSBs.

The Asian Sugar Boy (ASB):  For many, ASBs have the ideal Sugar Boy profile because they have weird cultural beliefs that have tricked them into thinking that wrinkled old men are cute and fuckable.  Many find ASBs attractive because they don’t mind being dominated over and will rarely question your authority.  But if you are a Black Sugar Daddy bottom or a former top who can’t get it or keep it up, you may need to avoid the ASB because locating a top among them is like finding a Trumper with a college degree.  They just ain’t out there.  The problem with the ASB is that they have very restricted worldviews, so if you are one of those Black Sugar Gaddies that listens to Gil Heron-Scott records and needs to have conversations with your Boy about police brutality or some political shit Whoopi and them talked about on The View, look elsewhere.  ASBs don’t know what any of that is.  This is one of the reasons why the ASB is ideal for the white Sugar Daddy: they can spend all their time together watching “FB Island” and shopping at The Gap without a care in the world.  (Oh, another good thing about the ASB is that he will eventually out-earn you, so if you are good to him while he’s young, you will have a guaranteed caregiver later on:  either he will do it himself or will be able to hire a certified professional to change your shitty diapers.  Don’t sleep on the Asian Sugar Boy.)

The White Sugar Boy (WSB):  If a 24-year-old white American man isn’t on his way to a college degree and a dignified career like taking over the family hardware store, he’s probably looking for someone to finance his meth habit.  Steer clear.

LSB: Latino Sugar Boy

Part IV

Black Sugar Daddies Save the Earth

Do you know how many mass shootings there would be if Sugar Daddies (Black or otherwise) weren’t around to save the day? These are the world problems Gaddies solve while y'all are wasting your lives on TikTok.

We calm down the cute but troubled youngster when his grandma is non-stop nagging at him about getting a job. All that yelling has got him ready to grab a shotgun and blow everybody’s brains out at the local Dollar Tree, so we Gaddies give him a place to chill out, especially in areas like the Southwest where their grandparents’ houses don’t come with a basement. (“Grandparent’s basement” is also a 23-year-old's most common answer to the question: “So, where do you live?”) Black Sugar Daddies talk these troubled youths down off the ledge. We also slide them a little pocket money for a spliff and a Jack in the Box two-taco combo so they can have a bite to eat on the bus ride home.

Some of these boys aren’t in college, can’t keep a job, and are probably addicted to some asinine video game. They lead the life of a gamer, also known as a 23-year-old's most common answer to the question: “So, what do you want to do with your life?” We feign interest and fight off the temptation to roll our eyes while listening to their ridiculous pipe dreams of making a million dollars without having to change out of their Underoos. We use our contacts to get them a part-time job until they can make that dream happen. And in the meantime, we slide them a little more cash across the table—something we call a “loan” and that they refer to as a “gift”—to put an initial payment down on that motorized scooter they will need to get back and forth to the aforementioned job they’ll quit within the first 30 days. We humor them because we know that, without us, these frustrated youngsters would become a menace to society by knocking off a liquor store or joining the Proud Boys.

Part V

Even Cher is Aware

Black Sugar Daddies, with one hand on hip and the other straight out in front of us like Diana, stop time in its tracks. No fairy dust needed. We sometimes use money to stop time because we realize that the crustier we get, the more we’ll need to pay to keep dipping into the Fountain of Youth.  Nothing keeps you young like snuggling up against a tenderoni on a cold winter’s night, and that costs money.   Back in 1989, Cher and her skeleton ass tried to Turn Back Time, but we Black Sugar Daddies already knew that you could keep Father Time at bay by putting a small gang of twentysumthinyearolds on rotate until the Grim Reaper comes a-knocking.  Look what young pussy did for DeNiro, Tony Randall and just about every other guy who can afford it.  Instead of finding one ‘Roni and sticking with him for decades until he too starts to form a crusty outer layer, a real Sugar Daddy looks to trade him in for a newer model as soon as it hits the market.  Ain’t nobody happy with an iPhone 4 when the 16 has more exciting buttons to be pushin’ on and pokin’ at.  And messing with new things magically keep us old folks from aging.  Look at Joe Biden and Donald Trump.  Trump, love him or hate him, projects the energy of a man several years younger while Joe often looks feeble, ramshackle and disoriented when on screen.  The difference here is the age of the holes waiting for them when they get home:  Dr. Jill:  prehistoric pussy.  Mail-order Melania: vivacious va-jay-jay.

And Cher, who is basically a drag queen herdamnself, finally listened to her fellow Sugar Daddies when we tried to tell her that it’s young dick that turns back time.  As of this writing, she’s got to be around, what, 108-years old? And her Half-Breed Sugar Boy can’t be much older than twelve.  And we ain’t seen her look this giddy since “Believe” ruled the charts!

Speaking of charts, I have made these easy-to-read tables that compare and contrast two models of Sugar Daddyism:  The One Sugar Boy Model and the Rotating Multiple Sugar Boy Model.  Table 1 details the lifespan of a Sugar Daddy who settles down with one Sugar Boy and maintains that relationship until he kicks the bucket. 

Table 1.  The One Sugar Boy Model

In contrast, Table  2 illustrates the life expectancy of the Sugar Daddy who, throughout the years, opens up a new contract with several Sugar Boys and rotates them in and out like an NBA coach does with his bench players.

Table 2.  The Rotating Multiple Sugar Boy Model

Conclusion

I know some of y’all are offended by the idea of treating young men like slabs of meat. Look, papa. Don’t preach because the above research clearly demonstrates that the Black Sugar Daddy has found a way to stop time in its tracks, prolong life, and even stave off death by literally sucking the youth out of his Sugar Boys and rejuvenating his own wilted and dried-up essence. Our constant search for new Sugar Boys keeps us in the cafes, bars, and clubs (where we help stimulate the economy), and our positive health outcomes keep us out of the hospital (where we help to keep medical care costs stable).  People think Sugar Daddyism is only about knocking young boots, and this could not be further from the truth.  Being a Sugar Daddy is about improving one’s quality of life, making the earth a better place and knocking young boots. So, if you believe in life after love, don’t be afraid to go out and get yourself that special Sugar Boy, Latin, Black, Asian, White...or even a sexy multiracial one. It doesn't matter! Whip out your wallet and spend a little dough, and before long, your Sugar Boy will be Saving All His Love for You! 

(Praise God!)