Medellin and LGBTQ

Is it safe here?

Nah, it isn’t. I’m not even going to front on this issue. If you play around with your life in Medellin, someone will snatch it.

What makes Colombia, especially Medellin, such a vulnerable place for gay men is that the minute you step off the plane, foreigners feel like they’ve entered Gay Narnia. Medellin is a very young city, so there are all kinds of twenty-something-year-old tenderonis with skin as brown and toasty as some ginger snaps running around. These guys are all over the city and are eager to meet, greet, and retreat to your Airbnb. They dress kind of cute, smell really nice, and are always smiling and trying to get your attention by winking over at you. And unlike Americans, most of them aren’t fat slobs. They are quite irresistible, and they know it.

An added attraction to Medellin is the arrival of several thousands of Venezuelans who have changed the terrain for the good and for the bad. The good: They are all pretty desperate to improve their lives, so they are ready to compete with their Colombian hosts for Daddy’s dollars. The bad: Many are short-term hustlers. Instead of knocking you over the head, tearing your purse from your shoulder, and snatching the pearls from your neck like in the old days, these boys have learned to play the long game like Colombians do. They know they can make a lot more money if they use their charm and physical attractiveness to make a gullible old fart fall in love with them and reveal their ATM passcodes.

So, the answer to how dangerous Medellin can be for a gay tourist lies in his level of naiveté. How easily can you be swindled or bamboozled by some rock-hard abs, firm butt cheeks, and a thick uncut penis? If your answer is “very easily,” then you can expect your bank account to take a major hit during your stay.

How about other big cities in Colombia? 

Because of my previous job, I have visited a good number of the other major Colombian cities (e.g., Bogota, Cali, Cartagena, Quibdo, Barranquilla, Manizales, Armenia, Santa Marta, Bucaramanga, etc.). Of those, Bogota is the city I am most familiar with, and it does have a gay neighborhood known as Chapinero with plenty of gay clubs, bars, saunas, and private parties. In fact, the largest gay club complex in all of South America can be found there (Teatron). However, the people in Bogota can be cold and distant, not unlike the inhabitants of other megacities in the world. Because of how spread out it is and because of the chilly and rainy weather, Bogota does not feel anywhere near as gay and flirty as Medellin. For a city that big, it should not be so difficult to bump into a tenderoni, but the cute men are too few and far between in the capital.

Going to the Atlantic Coast, Cartagena is a major tourist attraction, but it is surprisingly conservative with it comes to gay tourism.  There are some bars and small clubs, but the atmosphere there is decidedly unsophisticated and hokey, especially considering the number of foreign fags that visit this beautiful city. The nearby city of Barranquilla has people that are a bit more refined, most likely due to the fact that one of the best private universities is located there.  But the gay life is even more restrictive than that of Cartagena, though I hear that they be sucking cock and knocking boots in the restroom stalls at the Buenavista Mall.  What enchants about Cartagena and Barranquilla is the toffee-brown boys who can be incredibly attractive, many of them are a yummy mix of African, Spanish, indigenous and Arabic.  I’m not sure if this is an urban legend, but several years ago, I was informed about el Paseo por los Manglares (A Trip through the Mangroves) in Cartagena.  You could go down to a special area of the docks and choose from an array of gorgeous Black fishermen who would take you out on his boat and steer it into an area of tall mangroves.  Once inside the plants, he’d whip out his electric eel and send delightful shockwaves of pleasure all down your mouth and up your bum.   

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  Of the three provincial capital cities (Armenia, Manizales, and Quindío) in the coffee-growing sector of the country known as the Eje Cafetero, Manizales probably has the most to offer a gay daddy. Manizales is what you might call a “white” town where most of the people are very light-skinned. The town is dominated by a big public university, so a lot of the gay action revolves around it (e.g., cruising in the university bathrooms, congregating at an outdoor ice cream shop, Grindr hookups). I remember there being at least one gay club there, but I did not go. I did, however, meet a ‘roni at the cruising ice cream shop and invited him and a friend back to my hotel where we drank beer and splashed around in the thermal baths. Fun, but not transcendent.

  
  

  I know very little about Cali. The times I went there for work kept me busy the entire time and, besides the tricks I met online, I had very few chances to go out and explore. There are gay bars and clubs in Cali, and I remember going to one and thinking that it was corny as fuck. Cali is a mostly Black city, though you can see the Spanish mix in most of them. Caleños (people from Cali) are also known for being high in black pride and activism, something that is not widely found in other black zones of the country. Cali is also known for having the sexiest men who love to take you out to drink, listen to music, and dance salsa before inviting you home and sliding cock deep into you till the morning light, making you shout, “cock-a-doodle-doo me again!”

  
  

  

  
  

  For me, the most boner-producing men of Colombia are found on the Pacific Coast.  Unlike the cafe-con-leche Black men on the Atlantic Coast, los hombres del Pacífico are generally much less mixed racially, making big towns like Quibdó a cornucopia of the most formidable dark chocolate bodies (equipped with the hardest asses and the biggest dicks you ever laid lips on) and the cutest faces in the Americas.  And what makes the Pacific even more enticing is that, due to its geographic and cultural isolation, the men there have never found a reason to have an attitude. 

  
  

  Owing to their West African ancestry, chocoanos (men from the Pacific region of Chocó) are constantly laughing, smiling and hugging on each other, and they are eager to invite foreigners into their home for food and drinks with the family.  (I, of course would rather be invited in and fed other things.)  I lived in Chocó for 15 months and during that time, my eyeballs were constantly falling out of their sockets and rolling down the street at the sheer number of absolutely ravishing men all over the place.  Men would congregate at the jungle gyms, strip down to their shorts and do pull-ups, push-ups and burpees while showing off the most incredible black bodies.  Though Quibdó is the province’s capital city, it was still a small town with small town sensibilities so most gay action took place on the hush.  Surprisingly, though, there was at least one pretty shabby gay bar in town, and I often saw a group of transgender women who were mainstays about town.  On the surface at least, they were accepted by the townspeople, so much so that they led the San Pacho Parade, the most important celebration of the year.   

  
  
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Legal Recourse

Let’s say you came to Colombia and while you were letting the good times roll, something happened to you, like a petty robbery. What legal recourse would you have to bring the perpetrators to justice, and what are the chances of getting your stolen items back? Answers: None and none.

First of all, Colombia does its best to hide from tourists that it is still a country beset with a tremendous amount of treacherous and devastating social problems, including violence, murder, and human trafficking. So, no police department is going to pull resources from a murder case and send them to look for the man who ran off with your Balenciaga shades. When tourists get things stolen in Medellin, the police will have them fill out some documents, stamp them, and then toss the paper into the trash bin as soon as they turn to walk out the door.

This nonchalance on the part of the authorities is directly related to the alarming and tragic uptick in violence against LGBTQ members, especially the murders of dozens of trans women. This violence is most likely grossly underreported because police departments are not sympathetic to crimes committed against gay men, so victims are reluctant to come forward. I have heard stories of foreigners being drugged and robbed, and when they go to the police station, they are greeted with ridicule and outward hostility. The police will shrug their shoulders and express that there is nothing they can do. (That part is true, but it goes for ALL crimes, not just your stolen scarves.)

How can my gay ass stay safe in Medellin?

If you are overly concerned about your safety, then stay your scaredy-cat ass out of Medellin and out of South America, really. You must have a sense of adventure and danger to fully enjoy the treasures the city has to offer. And if you’re horny as fuck, you may find it impossible to not put your money and possessions on the line for some good Latin luvin’. If you’re a straight man looking for action, it’s almost impossible not to find some in Medellin’s touristy areas as they are literally bursting with the most massive boobs and asses modern medicine has to offer, sky-high stilettos and skirts so short that you’ll say to yourself, dayum! I tot I saw a puddy tat.

On the gay side, many of the boys here see flirting and freaking and fucking as a job, so they take it very seriously.  Most are not interested in drugging and robbing you; they are much more interested in establishing a relationship with someone who can help them complete their studies, contribute financially to their homes, or even pull them out of their current situations altogether.  So, they hit the gym, get their teeth straightened and whitened, and even learn some English so that they stand out among the other several thousand young men all looking for the same thing.  But as the economic situation worsens in Colombia, some of these boys have grown more desperate and may adopt relatively extreme measures to get what they want.  And this is when the careless gay tourist can find himself in a pickle.  And not the kind you’re trying to put in your mouth.  Here is some advice to keep in mind before boarding that Avianca flight: 

1. Have local contacts you can trust, even if you have to pay them something.  There are literally thousands of Colombian men who would love to show you around just so they can practice their English with a native speaker.  Like most Colombians, the last thing they want is for a tourist to have a bad time there because Colombians feel they already have too many things to be embarrassed about.  Show your appreciation by treating them to meals and even buying them a nice gift.  

   
   

   

   
   

2. Talk to other gay foreigners who have been to Medellín.  Join the groups on Facebook and read their comments.  Reach out to some of them and get some sound advice.  Talking to straight foreigners could be a waste of time as their dangers are different from ours.  Gay crime is often more nuanced and subtle, and potentially more deadly. 

   
   

3. Avoid quick hook-ups from dudes on Grindr.  This might be a very, very hard thing for many queens to do, but the truth is that the dating apps have made it so much easier for tourists to get caught in a sinister web of victimization.  The sexy M.F. in the profile picture is the same hot guy who will show up for the date, but while you may be eager to empty his ball sac, his main objective is to empty your money sacks.    

   
   

4. Be wary of hanging out in Gringo Ghettos like Parque Lleras by yourself.  It’s paradoxical because while these areas have the most police presence, they also attract more criminals.  The bad guys know that the police can’t keep an eye on everything all the time, so they hang around the tourist areas looking to pluck the lonely, low-hanging fruit.  

   
   

5. This is so rudimentary, but don’t walk around alone, late at night and in unfamiliar places.  And especially if you’re drunk or high.   It surprises me how many foreigners do this in Medellín.  Most thieves are not looking to hurt you or even engage in any kind of exchange. All they want is your iPhone, so they have ingenious and clever ways to get it; all they need is for you to be distracted for a second or two.  So, if you’re alone and obviously drunk or high, they will detect this and descend upon you.  They will more than likely not threaten or injure you, but you can say goodbye to your belongings. 

   
   

6. Do not accept drinks or food from others at a bar or low-end restaurant.  Under no circumstances should you accept a drink from someone you just met, plain and simple.  Always order from the bar and keep an eye on the bartender to make sure the drink only comes with the ingredients on the menu.  To be honest, if I were at a bar or club, I would avoid ordering mixed drinks altogether.  Buy a bottle of rum or whisky from the supermarket and enjoy it at your hotel or AirBnB before going out. 

   
   

7. Don’t give up your papaya.  No, papaya does not mean ass.  You know how in the U.S. you walk down the street while texting or recording voice messages on your cell? Can’t do that in Medellin because someone will see that you have an iPhone, and the fact that you are so brazenly flashing it leads them to believe that you’re really not that attached to it. When you are in public and “give papaya”, you are flashing your valuables like expensive phones, tablets, and cameras and are inviting someone to come over and relieve you of them.  This includes carrying your iPhone in your back pocket, which is how mine got stolen.  

   
   

   

   
   

8. Learn Spanish. You don’t need to be able to read Don Quijote in Spanish, but you should learn some basics in the language, even if it’s just distress words like “¡auxilio!” Chances are, no one will risk their own life to help you, but they will come running over to offer a comforting word once the perpetrator has ridden away and they feel that they are out of harm’s way. (A word of advice, people who speak very good English will approach you. You will feel all warm because someone finally completely understands what you are trying to express and vice versa. These folks have perfect English because they have been deported from the U.S. and are the biggest criminals of them all. If a dude with native-level English approaches you with a lot of fast talking, say hello and politely keep it moving.)

In order to keep the good times rolling while in Medellín, keep these tips in mind while exercising common sense and some street smarts. I promise you that once you get back to your drab, humdrum life in the U.S., visions of the boys of Medellín will continuously dance through your head, and you’ll be back before you know it!